Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Learning Life's Hard Lessons

I saw it coming.... after years of counceling, meds, surgeries, and both of us trying to make it work, Ryan and I are getting a divorce. I will not be able to discuss some things for privacy reasons, but I felt you- my friends- might want to know why I've been soooo quiet for such a long time.

I'm living with my parents in their basement with two of my three kids. The oldest, Tyler, wants to live with Dad right now and is enjoying being with him. Sydney and Dallin are living with me and are very happy here. There are many things to do to go forward with this situation, but this isn't the place to discuss them.

I am soooo glad I started the process of getting into college before now. Some of you may judge me for going back to college and working and you may think that is the main reason things ended up the way they did. Please understand that I can't tell you the main reason for choosing to divorce, because it would be compromising the privacy of both of us. Let's just say that there are honest reasons for me making this decision. I went to the Celestial Room in the Bountiful Temple and counceled with my Heavenly Father before making this decision. I spent most of my days the past month weighing the issues and came to the same conclusion. Priesthood blessings were given to me by many of my relatives and many hours have been spent in deep thought and prayer.

It has taken me being seperated for an extended period of time in order to clear my thoughts and look honestly and deeply at our situation. Of course, during this time I had to also keep up with my classes and work and move things out of our house that the kids and I need to feel comfortable. What a busy month!

Also, all three kids and I went to Oregon (as planned weeks earlier) to our family reunion. We had a great time and I found all of my family to be very supportive. I have been blessed with caring, compassionate relatives and I love each of them dearly. Since the reunion was held on the Alsea River at my Aunt's family cabin, we were able to spend some time at the coast as well.

It was the first time Dallin had visited the beach- but he hated it! The wind was blowing sand in his face and the waves scared him. I couldn't even put him down in the sand without him making a fuss. It was all just too stimulating for him. He is two-and-a-half now so this reaction was a little odd. He never has liked wind blowing strongly in his face. Then you add loud noices of the waves crashing and sand blowing and you get an unhappy two-year-old. On the other-hand, Tyler and Sydney loved the waves and water and didn't want to leave! They had a great time being chased by the water as it crashed and fanned across the beach. It was a cold day so we didn't bring swimsuites, but the kids got wet anyway!

During the reunion, we spent time on the Alsea River and went swimming, four-wheeling, crawdadding(sp?), and visiting with relatives. I made sure to get in a few walks/runs around the old christmas tree farm where the cabin is located, in order to keep fit. My sister joined me on my walks and now I hear she is walking with her friends around her neighborhood in Draper. She had been working out at Gold's Gym, but enjoys walking/running as well now.

My parents, my sister Kristi, and my family rented a house in the Bayshore Community in Waldport, OR instead of camping out with the others at the cabin. It was wonderful and we had a really nice time. The days at the reunion were jam-packed with activies and since I needed to get back home for work, I didn't have much time to stop and visit with friends in Corvallis. We did manage to drop in on Ryan's Dad and visit with him and his wife Sharon. They are very comfortable to talk too and were saddend to hear of Ryan and I seperating.

My Mom had drove with me and my kids in her suburban on the way to Oregon and had been planning to stay an extra week because she was in charge of a reunion in Lacomb, OR for her side of the family. She decided to help me drive back with the kids and pass on the duties and responsibilites to a cousin of hers. This proved to be very helpful to me since I had only been seperated for a week from Ryan and was going back and forth about trying to keep it that way. That second week was very hard and I needed the extra support. My dad and my sister had to fly back to Utah because they were scheduled to work on Monday. I had secured the day off so it was spent driving back to Utah. Dallin was real trooper on the trip but Tyler and Sydney hated the long trek. Oh well, it was much cheaper paying for gas than for four plane tickets!

After getting home, I had to head straight to class on Monday night. I have now finished my classes for the term and I have to wait a few days for my grades. I'm pretty sure I got an "A" in English 1010 and I am hoping for a "B-" in Intermediate Algebra. It will all come down to the final in my math class since on the four unit tests I got 79%, 78%, 95%,and 85%. I'm pretty proud of those results since I've been through so much the past month! The trick for me to do better on my math tests was to slow down and focus on each question, one-at-a-time. When I went faster, I made silly mistakes like forgetting the + and - signs. I ended up taking almost twice as long on the last two tests, but as you can see, the last two test scores were much better! I also learned that I shouldn't plan anything for after the test, because then I don't focus as well and I rush through the problems.

Over-all I'm satified with my results and have found it beneficial to be an older student. I have a broader view of life and can contribute much to the discussions in class. The younger students seem to enjoy my "sage" advise and enjoy hearing my stories learned through years of experience. I know- I'm not that old, but put me up against high-schoolers taking summer classes and then start to realize my own son is only 5 years short of being in their position!!!!! Most people can't believe I'm almost 34 though. I guess my freckles and fair skin are good for something!

Well, I need go eat dinner now that my mom has cooked for us. Ah, the benefits of living at home. I haven't had to cook much since most of my waking moments are spent doing homework, going to classes, going to work, and spending some time with my kids as well as moving things into my parents house, sorting through stuff, acquiring beds and dressers for use at my parents house etc. During this whole time, I have been blessed with the spirit as a shield and comforter so that my strength could be used for the essential things that fill every moment. Only in the last couple of days have I felt the protecting powers lessen in order to let me grieve- for what could have been, not what was. Sure, I miss the security of familiar things such as my house, and the routine of my life before. I also miss Ryan in many ways, but the reasons for me leaving trump any other feelings/reasons. I need time to heal. I need to learn to stand up for myself and not allow myself to be hurt over and over for various reasons. I have done everything I could possibly do to try to work things out. This has given me much peace as I've gone through this process. Sure, I still have many faults and weaknesses that I'm still working on. Ryan is also working on his issues. That's all I need to say about it.

I'm not very good at closing posts like this, so just know that I am thinking about many of you and hope someone can learn something from my experiences. If I could say one thing I've learned or had entrenched in my head, it's that if we keep the spirit with us by living rightously, we will be inspired to do whatever is needed. Not only that, but we will be strengthened by unseen Angels to do anything that is required. I can do anything with God's help. Without Him, I am left to my own faculties (which sadly, I think isn't much and frankly, I don't want to test it out:) Love, Julie

14 comments:

Mama Nirvana said...

Julie, I wish you much luck in this new journey you are on. Sounds like you are doing all the right things, and I am so glad that you have your parents right there so that you can focus on yourself right now.

Amy

Julie said...

Thanks Amy, I love having my family around. They knew how bad things were and felt inspired to come move to Utah "in case" they were needed. Stubborn me, I held back as long as I could before moving in with them. When I was house hunting for them, I had it in the back of my mind that I may have to live with them. But I really hoped it wouldn't come to it. (Sigh) Things don't always work out the way we want.

Psycat said...

Julie, you are so strong, you are facing this so well, and we commend you and pray for you. We are so glad you are making God your strength and your guide, and we are proud of you and love you. May God bless & watch after you all. Always here for you ~ Kendra, Rob, & family
PS. Let us know if you guys need a vacation in the sunny south! :-)

The Gatherums said...

Julie,
I can only imagine what a hard decision this has been for you. Keep relying on the Lord and things will work out for your good. I wish I were closer to give you a hug.

Keep up the great work at school. Enjoy the home cooked dinners from your mother and know that you are so very loved by so many people.

Angie said...

Julie-
I am sure that you are having lots of feelings right now. I just want you to know that I love you and support any descion you make. I am sure that you made the right choice and it will be a tough thing to stand by but its the right thing. I am proud of you and wish you the best in everything!

Ditto Family said...

Can I just echo Amy's comment! I think you will find you are stronger than you think you are as time goes forward. YOU can do ANYTHING with God's hand in your life. You're on my mind...

m's mama said...

Julie, I wish you all the best as your life takes a new direction. May you continue to find strength, faith, and love surrounding you. I think it is great that you're going back to school and what a wonderful blessing to have your parents right there! You're in my thoughts...

Nancy Clark said...

Julie - All the best to you during this trying time. You are working so hard! I know from experience that the Lord truly strengthens us to be able to bear our burdens.

Diane Jaggi said...

Julie- it takes a lot to go through a divorce. It helps to talk it out, pray and stay close to your Heavenly Father. I am thinking of you and hope all will work out for you and your family.

Danger Womun said...

Thinking of you Julie. I wanted to add my voice to this stream of comments. I too wish you the best in your new direction. You are strong and you can do it with God's help. Take care of yourself and your babies and whatever else happens, happens.

Meta said...

Praying for you Julie. You a re a strong woman. So proud of all that you are doing - school & education, mothering, changes in your life, and moving forward with your life. You deserve the best - you are good good person!

deveney said...

julie, just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you and your family. you are a strong woman and i know will have a happy and healthy life despite all of this. take care:)

Heidi C. said...

You are in my prayers Julie; I know you are in God's hands. I am so proud of you for going back to school. You are an amazing woman.

kg said...

Julie, I don't know how I missed this post. I am so proud of you for going back to school and what a blessing to have your family there. Good luck with everything during this time.