I need to be more thoughtful.

I posted more than I should about my marriage and as a result did further pain to my husband who is trying to change. I wouldn't want all of my dirty laundry aired and even though I didn't mention his name in the last post, you all knew who I was talking about. I'm really imperfect in this area of being wise about the things I say and it contributed to the problems I currently have. I still have many things to learn. Being self-rightous has always been a problem for me too. Hopefully this will help by admitting to everyone my faults. I'm sorry to my spouse as well. I'm still not mentioning his name in case others who don't know us are reading this.

College Update

I was sooo happy and surprised when I found out I got a B+ in my Intermediate Algebra class and an A in my English class. Both classes were intensive, but the English class was a seven week course. Of course moving and dealing with many other issues was one of the reasons I didn't even dream of pulling off anything but a B- or less in math. What a self-esteem booster!

Now I'm in College Algebra/Trigonometry and English 2010. So far the math is just review for me, but for others it is harder since they haven't had math for a while. I guess my last math teacher taught us a few things beyond what she needed too, which is helping me now in the harder class. I just thought some of you would appreciate an update on how my schooling was going. I need to spend some time doing my homework now. Take care!

New thoughts on my life

I may not have everything, but I have faith, love, and family, and that is all I need.

Life is too short to not live it beautifully.

Happiness takes effort, if you didn't earn it, then it isn't lasting.

Just some thoughs I have had recently.

Learning Life's Hard Lessons

I saw it coming.... after years of counceling, meds, surgeries, and both of us trying to make it work, Ryan and I are getting a divorce. I will not be able to discuss some things for privacy reasons, but I felt you- my friends- might want to know why I've been soooo quiet for such a long time.

I'm living with my parents in their basement with two of my three kids. The oldest, Tyler, wants to live with Dad right now and is enjoying being with him. Sydney and Dallin are living with me and are very happy here. There are many things to do to go forward with this situation, but this isn't the place to discuss them.

I am soooo glad I started the process of getting into college before now. Some of you may judge me for going back to college and working and you may think that is the main reason things ended up the way they did. Please understand that I can't tell you the main reason for choosing to divorce, because it would be compromising the privacy of both of us. Let's just say that there are honest reasons for me making this decision. I went to the Celestial Room in the Bountiful Temple and counceled with my Heavenly Father before making this decision. I spent most of my days the past month weighing the issues and came to the same conclusion. Priesthood blessings were given to me by many of my relatives and many hours have been spent in deep thought and prayer.

It has taken me being seperated for an extended period of time in order to clear my thoughts and look honestly and deeply at our situation. Of course, during this time I had to also keep up with my classes and work and move things out of our house that the kids and I need to feel comfortable. What a busy month!

Also, all three kids and I went to Oregon (as planned weeks earlier) to our family reunion. We had a great time and I found all of my family to be very supportive. I have been blessed with caring, compassionate relatives and I love each of them dearly. Since the reunion was held on the Alsea River at my Aunt's family cabin, we were able to spend some time at the coast as well.

It was the first time Dallin had visited the beach- but he hated it! The wind was blowing sand in his face and the waves scared him. I couldn't even put him down in the sand without him making a fuss. It was all just too stimulating for him. He is two-and-a-half now so this reaction was a little odd. He never has liked wind blowing strongly in his face. Then you add loud noices of the waves crashing and sand blowing and you get an unhappy two-year-old. On the other-hand, Tyler and Sydney loved the waves and water and didn't want to leave! They had a great time being chased by the water as it crashed and fanned across the beach. It was a cold day so we didn't bring swimsuites, but the kids got wet anyway!

During the reunion, we spent time on the Alsea River and went swimming, four-wheeling, crawdadding(sp?), and visiting with relatives. I made sure to get in a few walks/runs around the old christmas tree farm where the cabin is located, in order to keep fit. My sister joined me on my walks and now I hear she is walking with her friends around her neighborhood in Draper. She had been working out at Gold's Gym, but enjoys walking/running as well now.

My parents, my sister Kristi, and my family rented a house in the Bayshore Community in Waldport, OR instead of camping out with the others at the cabin. It was wonderful and we had a really nice time. The days at the reunion were jam-packed with activies and since I needed to get back home for work, I didn't have much time to stop and visit with friends in Corvallis. We did manage to drop in on Ryan's Dad and visit with him and his wife Sharon. They are very comfortable to talk too and were saddend to hear of Ryan and I seperating.

My Mom had drove with me and my kids in her suburban on the way to Oregon and had been planning to stay an extra week because she was in charge of a reunion in Lacomb, OR for her side of the family. She decided to help me drive back with the kids and pass on the duties and responsibilites to a cousin of hers. This proved to be very helpful to me since I had only been seperated for a week from Ryan and was going back and forth about trying to keep it that way. That second week was very hard and I needed the extra support. My dad and my sister had to fly back to Utah because they were scheduled to work on Monday. I had secured the day off so it was spent driving back to Utah. Dallin was real trooper on the trip but Tyler and Sydney hated the long trek. Oh well, it was much cheaper paying for gas than for four plane tickets!

After getting home, I had to head straight to class on Monday night. I have now finished my classes for the term and I have to wait a few days for my grades. I'm pretty sure I got an "A" in English 1010 and I am hoping for a "B-" in Intermediate Algebra. It will all come down to the final in my math class since on the four unit tests I got 79%, 78%, 95%,and 85%. I'm pretty proud of those results since I've been through so much the past month! The trick for me to do better on my math tests was to slow down and focus on each question, one-at-a-time. When I went faster, I made silly mistakes like forgetting the + and - signs. I ended up taking almost twice as long on the last two tests, but as you can see, the last two test scores were much better! I also learned that I shouldn't plan anything for after the test, because then I don't focus as well and I rush through the problems.

Over-all I'm satified with my results and have found it beneficial to be an older student. I have a broader view of life and can contribute much to the discussions in class. The younger students seem to enjoy my "sage" advise and enjoy hearing my stories learned through years of experience. I know- I'm not that old, but put me up against high-schoolers taking summer classes and then start to realize my own son is only 5 years short of being in their position!!!!! Most people can't believe I'm almost 34 though. I guess my freckles and fair skin are good for something!

Well, I need go eat dinner now that my mom has cooked for us. Ah, the benefits of living at home. I haven't had to cook much since most of my waking moments are spent doing homework, going to classes, going to work, and spending some time with my kids as well as moving things into my parents house, sorting through stuff, acquiring beds and dressers for use at my parents house etc. During this whole time, I have been blessed with the spirit as a shield and comforter so that my strength could be used for the essential things that fill every moment. Only in the last couple of days have I felt the protecting powers lessen in order to let me grieve- for what could have been, not what was. Sure, I miss the security of familiar things such as my house, and the routine of my life before. I also miss Ryan in many ways, but the reasons for me leaving trump any other feelings/reasons. I need time to heal. I need to learn to stand up for myself and not allow myself to be hurt over and over for various reasons. I have done everything I could possibly do to try to work things out. This has given me much peace as I've gone through this process. Sure, I still have many faults and weaknesses that I'm still working on. Ryan is also working on his issues. That's all I need to say about it.

I'm not very good at closing posts like this, so just know that I am thinking about many of you and hope someone can learn something from my experiences. If I could say one thing I've learned or had entrenched in my head, it's that if we keep the spirit with us by living rightously, we will be inspired to do whatever is needed. Not only that, but we will be strengthened by unseen Angels to do anything that is required. I can do anything with God's help. Without Him, I am left to my own faculties (which sadly, I think isn't much and frankly, I don't want to test it out:) Love, Julie

Odd and Ends

Busy, busy, busy is what I am now! I started my English 1010 class last Tuesday and we do a lot of writing in it. I take this class on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10:30 am to 1:10 pm. I take Dallin to Grandma's house during this time and Ty and Syd stay home or go with Dallin to Grandma's. Sampson and Sophie protect the house while we are away (just in case anyone gets any crazy ideas!) This English class and my work schedule keep me from blogging since I have so many things to read and short essays to write. I love the class though and I know my writing is improving. To help me out, I got a laptop so that I can type my papers up during the "downtime" at work. I bought it used from a person online at ksl.com and it works well.

I took another math test a couple of weeks ago in my Intermediate Algebra class and I got 78%. It seems I may end up with a "C" in the class- which I'm not happy with- but at least I'll pass! I take that class on Mondays and Wednesday nights from 5:30 pm to 7:20 pm.

For the Fourth of July, I walked/ran 2 miles in our city 5K run/2 mile walk! I pushed Dallin in the stroller the whole way. Next year I want to run the 5K. I've been increasing my strength by walking at least 2 miles in the evening about 3 nights a week. Last night I was able to run 3/4 of a mile and walk the rest of the 2 1/2 mile loop. I take my big 80 pound dog Sampson with me and he loves to come! One night I pushed Dallin in the jogging stroller and Tyler and Sydney came with me as well. We had a good time and I was proud at how much more in shape the two older kids were than me. Just wait, I'll keep getting stronger and maybe beat them:)

The jogging stroller that I mentioned is also one that connects to my bike by removing the front wheel. I found it used on ksl.com for $27! It's older, but does the job. Dallin likes to go for rides in it.

I need to get ready to head to class now. I have many pictures that need to be posted but I'll have to wait until school is over around August 14 before I can find enough time to post them.

Ever Wish You Had Brought Your Camera?

Today I did! I was driving home from work to pick up Dallin from the babysitter. His babysitter lives in Farmington which is where Lagoon is located as well as a lot of open fields. There is a ranch that is located just to the side of the freeway and the Farmington "spaghetti bowl" which is what we Utahns call a mess of freeway on-and-off ramps. This ranch has about 20 buffalo that roam around as well as horses and cows.

Today, the buffalo were close to the road, just on the otherside of an electric fence. They were very close to a big intersection and the ranch sits on one corner of the intersection. Just on the other side of the fence (inside the fence)was a red fire hydrant and a big buffalo rubbing itself on it! I thought, how many times do you see a buffalo rubbing against a fire hydrant? I berated myself for not bringing the camera with me like I had been inspired to do. I was running late and decided against going back into the house to get it. BUT, like I said, I had been inspired by the Spirit to go get it but I chose not too. Bummer, would have been a great shot!

Update on Church Meetings for our Stake

I received an email from a Bishopric member in our ward that we are not going to have the special Stake Conference this weekend to sustain a new Stake President and that it is postponed until further notice. That includes all three meetings that were going to be held (the priesthood meeting, adult meeting and Sunday meeting).

Also, I received an email from our Relief Society Secretary stating that all of our visiting teaching should be done by telephone. If anyone we visit(telephone) teach has flu symptons, we are supposed to let the Relief Society President or Elders Quorum President know about it.

One interesting development is that our Stake was chosen to participate in the Relief Society Chior in the next General Relief Society Conference. I would love to be a part of that, but I doubt they will want anyone from our Stake there with us passing around the swine flu. We'll see. I'll keep you posted when I hear more about this.

I went looking at the church website about the "prophesy" I had previously mentioned and I couldn't find anything other than that we shouldn't live on borrowed light. President Heber C. Kimball was the prophet that stated:“To meet the difficulties that are coming, it will be necessary for you to have a knowledge of the truth of this work for yourselves. If you do not have it, how can you stand?” (in Orson F. Whitney, Life of Heber C. Kimball [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1945], p. 450). I will let you kow if I find anything more on this subject.